Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

#math

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.