My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
By Kate Hatos
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
We decided to have money instead of children.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.