My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies