Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Google Pay be like:

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]