my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.