So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Why am I like this?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.