Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

That’s amazing.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

No. He’s not coming out to play

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Only you can prevent podcasts

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.