My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
peak technology
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar