Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars