Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT