Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

look at me when i’m typing to you

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn