Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve