My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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#CatsOnTwitter
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me logging onto twitter
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle