My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
sigh
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
🖕🏻👽
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
The real reason evolution started..😂
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.