My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Just a reminder, folks:
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.