my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID