Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

hmmm

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.