My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.