My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When your man makes a valid point
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
