My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
This probably isn’t good
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.