My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
where the womens at?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*