Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.