my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m hunting wabbits…
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Hmm 🧐
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Oh we’ve met.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.