Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

no such thing as a dumb question

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.