[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.