My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.