My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My dad is at it again
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Proctology is located in A55
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.