My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Same post same
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke