My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Money is the root of all wealth
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
