My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
You Might Also Like
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
guys i’ve cracked the code
as is their right
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income