Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

👀

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Bruh PLEASE

but that was my emotional support daylight

The USS B port

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes