Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.