My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You’re not my real can
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind