My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*