My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
tag yourself
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
incredible text to wake up to
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.