My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
He has no idea 🤡
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
We found love in a hopeless place.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.