Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Friday night party time 🥳

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

I love you…

…r dog.