My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
When I laugh on my period
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
bro what is going on at twitter
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi