My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
im 7 sauces long
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Liquor Store Parking
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*