My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement