Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Rude much 😂😂😂

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?