My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Festive toon…
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Here to help
