My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
The news
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.