Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home