My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Um … Hot Wings please
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”