@joeheenan

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

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@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@69hunna

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@R0ckG0d88

Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

@TheHyyyype

*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@maryfairybobrry

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@TheRobCee

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.