My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Best spot.. 😅
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
won’t smith
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.