My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
thanks auntie mary
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?