My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave