@piddle_fart

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

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@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

@DrakeGatsby

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

@SCbchbum

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

@fro_vo

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

@Kyle_Lippert

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.