Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.