Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.