My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊