My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You Might Also Like
Tuesday
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.