My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
