Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

they should create new variants of dopamine

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.