Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this