Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

LMAO

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Happy weekend !

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Here to help

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.