My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Sign at work today
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir