Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge if true.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

#CatsOnTwitter

based

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything