Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.