Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

lmao

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree