My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You Might Also Like
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.