Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

They’re not wrong

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

Make me look younger