Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

ouch

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

seems fine

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

i love modern commerce

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.