My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Wednesday
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”