My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.