My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
