My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
That’s easy for you to say
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.