My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please