My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain