My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I support this random dude and all his protests
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Well well well…
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
The struggle is real.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.