My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
