My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I have questions??
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
