My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
