I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.