@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

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@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@Kate_Goldsmith

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

@Mr_Kapowski

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”